Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson's Same-Day Deaths: A Conspiracy?

The world is reeling from last week's shocking, tragic loss of two of America’s most iconic tours de force. Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson. Two incredible talents. Two peas in a pod. Okay, maybe one was like a garden pea that had been shelled. We’ll call that shelled pea, F. The other—we’ll refer to as M. to protect his anatomy, er, anonymousity—was probably more like a June, or petit pois, pea, that one might eat whole. So, okay, different peas. Different pods. But still….What the hell was my point again?

Oh, yeah. My point—F. and M. just happened to die on the same day. Really? Come on. Think about it. Farrah, I mean, F., had a priest come to her hospital bedside to administer rites to her just before she died. M. had a live-in doctor who may have administered a lethal dose of pain killers to him right before he succumbed to cardiac arrest. And this is just an unfortunate coincidence? Right. Am I really the only one who smells a conspiracy here? Supposedly, F. had cancer, and M. had been in poor health for some time. However, let’s look at the facts: The religious and medical establishments—supposedly separate entities—have long been known to administer many things. Wait a sec—Administer? Bingo. “Administer” can only be code for assassinate, people, and the latest victims are Hollywood’s former superstars. That’s right: The Old Geezer A-Listers, or OGAL.

The truth is, I’ve smelled an OGAL conspiracy (kind of a funky odor, like Bengay) ever since Farrah left “Charlie’s Angels” after only one season, supposedly to try her hand at deeper, more challenging acting roles than the vivacious Jill Munroe. As if that were possible. I mean, hello, her Charlie’s A. character got her nominated for a Golden Globe, and more significantly, cemented the curling iron as the most necessary hairstyle tool of the 1970s. Okay, yes, she did accrue other Golden Globe and Emmy nominations for what the liberal media claimed to be “meatier” roles in made-for-television flicks like “Nazi Hunter: The Beate Klarsfield Story (1987), “The Extremities”, (1988), and “Small Sacrifices” (1990). And, she will probably win an Emmy post-humorously for her work as the executive producer of "Farrah's Story," which portrayed her real-life battle with cancer. But, she was also very active in many suspicious “charities”, including the American Cancer Society, and domestic violence movements, such as Take Back the Night and the National Domestic Violence Hotline. The religious community, which includes sects that believe in not treating illness with modern medicine—like snake handlers—and the Catholic Church, which, while thinking pill-popping is fine, virtually prohibits divorce even in light of abuse—could not have been very peachy-keen with that.

Then, there's M.—who some people not only claim was once black, but actually believe was the “King of Pop”, just because he popularized the “robot” and the “moonwalk”, and may have transformed the music video industry from a promotional tool into an art form. I mean, come on. The guy had been in the music business since he was 11-years-old. I think he’d had a little practice. And yes, he created some of the world's best-selling records of all time, including “Thriller” (1982), “Bad” (1987), “Dangerous” (1991) and “HIStory” (1995). But, who the hell was “Billie Jean”, and why on earth would she claim only one of her twins to be fathered by Jackson, if the story was inauthentic? You can’t just make shit like that up, people, no matter how mentally “unstable” your psych ward intake form claims you to be.

The real fly in the hydroquinone ointment is the fact that Jackson donated and raised millions of dollars for beneficial causes through his foundation, Heal The World, charity singles, and support of dozens of charities. Again, there’s that whole “charity”…thingy. If you don’t think the idea of “healing the world”—essentially extinguishing the need for the medical community altogether—raised more than a few, recently botoxed eyebrows, you are probably under the influence of a prescription drug right now. (Quick test: What color is the white space between these words? If you said, 'white', you are so totally on drugs. Or, wait a minute--you're not. Hold on a sec--is anyone else seeing psychedelic colors squished between these squiggly lines? Just me? Oh....)

What’s more, the word “administer” is merely administration without the “tration” attached to it. (Are you finally seeing the pattern inside the pattern here? The gingham inside the paisley?) First, there was the Kennedy Administration with its’ extra gunmen and grassy knolls ….Then, the Bush Administration, with its’ 9/11 and massive, preemptive war based entirely on lies and false pretenses (oops: forget that one, since it's completely accurate)…Now this? If you take yourself out of the Matrix, or, like me, off your anti-psychotics cocktail long enough, you just might begin to see all the OGAL connections. It’s time to start organizing the revolution, people. That’s right. Let’s do something else that starts with “A”. Kick some governmental ass.

Author's note: I really am very sad that Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson passed away last week, and my condolences go out to their prospective families. This hub is purely satirical, of course. Writing it was, in a weird way, a great way to relieve the stress I felt as a result of hearing about these tragedies. (I also have a lovely habit of laughing when someone I love gets hurt.) So, please don't send me hate mail...Unless, of course, it relieves you of stress.